IELTS. ACADEMIC ESSAY EVALUATION and SUBSTANTIAL Comments

Обучение написанию эссе студентов - дело непростое. 

У каждого преподавателя есть студенты, которые по-настоящему хотят добиться максимальных результатов. К таким амбициозным, трудолюбивым, старательным студентам относится девушка, которая написала это эссе. 

На ребят, которые учатся по-настоящему, хочется тратить время. 

Предлагаю разбор эссе, мой диалог с этой студенткой. 

Будет интересно ваше мнение. Оставляйте комментарии. 

Мы работаем с учебником "Objective IELTS. Intermediate". 

This essay is from Unit 16, Writing folder 8. 

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With the increase in the use of Internet, books will soon become unnecessary.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Few years ago books [A1] were close to people, but nowadays with rapid advancement of technologies the Internet has been used in different aspects of our everyday life.

People got a great possibility to do all they need by the computers from  working, entertaining to communicating with other people around the world. But, invention of the Internet [A2] created a new shape of books: reading online or E[A3] -books. By this way[A4] , the question is: will the books be replaced by the Internet?

Actually, reading books on the sites in the [A5] Internet  is definitely convenient to get knowledge as quick as possible. For example, students and businessmen or other social groups, who are always in a hurry [A6] can surf the Internet and find all necessary materials in some seconds by a couple of clicks instead of spending all day in the libraries[A7] . Moreover, this consequence could be consider [A8] as an inevitable reason why traditional libraries are gradually disappearing .

Also, using modern electronic devices let people read, browse and be in connection with friends everywhere. Furthermore, if humanity prefer to use books or any documents in the electronic form, an enormous number of trees will be saved. One more advantage is that there is a sufficient benefit from the economic point of view. It is not necessary anymore to print all materials, simple saving into the gadget will save your money.

According to my life experience and way of thinking, I believe that the Internet will substitute traditional books because the progress of technologies cannot be stopped, providing users with more comfortable means of reading, and getting information at all.

 Words 266

Comments:

Task: 5. 5.

Unfortunately, it’s not possible to give you a higher mark for the task. Why?

If you see the formula “to what extend do you agree or disagree”, it means that you need to consider both viewpoints. The viewpoint that you agree with can be developed much deeper, with more examples, showing your strong agreement with it, but the opposite opinion should be mentioned and developed accordingly.

 

If you didn’t mention the opposing opinion, it means that you “address the task only partly” meaning mark 5 for the task development (see the descriptors).

If you mention the opposing opinion, but have not developed it properly, just have given general ideas, the evaluation is “addresses all the parts although some parts maybe more fully covered than the others” and it is 6.  

The full coverage means general statement and specific example / examples. A good paragraph is the one which has the general idea and details. That is why at the lessons we are listening, reading and talking before writing. These stages are designed to help you with the ideas and details.

Coherence & cohesion: 6. Why?

Let’s look at one of your paragraphs and think about the questions:

What is the main idea of the paragraph? How it is developed? Are all the parts relevant?

Also, using modern electronic devices let people read, browse and be in connection with friends everywhere. Furthermore, if humanity prefer to use books or any documents in the electronic form, an enormous number of trees will be saved. One more advantage is that there is a sufficient benefit from the economic point of view. It is not necessary anymore to print all materials, simple saving into the gadget will save your money.

As I see it, the main idea is economizing resources, in terms of  personal time, money and, the wider idea, ecology as well. I like this idea, good. Here you show a wider view on the issue, and:

The topic sentence can be at the beginning of a paragraph or at the end (as an interim conclusion), but this important statement should be here for an academic essay. It’s significant!

The sentence marked as blue bold can be considered as the main idea, but it doesn’t seem a topic sentence. In addition, in this paragraph the first sentence seems irrelevant.

When planning your essay, think about the main ideas of your paras. They can be wide enough to include several ideas and examples as a support, but they, the main ideas, the main statements should be clear.

Vocabulary: 7.5 Why?

 Mark “7” says that you use “a sufficient range of vocabulary”. Mark “8” says you use “a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly” and you use “skillfully uncommon lexical items … with occasional inaccuracies”. The vocabulary range of the essay is sufficient and fluent, but it lacks uncommon vocabulary.

Grammar: 7. See the descriptors.

The final mark is 6.5

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 [A1]Questionable statement. This is a process of 10-20 years, speeding exponentially. Besides, few means – мало, a few- несколько. So, one articles can influence the meaning crucially.   

 [A2]Article.

 [A3]The capital letter is not necessary.

 [A4]Cohesive device

 [A5]Vocab. On the Internet

 [A6]Comma

 [A7]Articles.

 [A8]Grammar. Could be considered.